The Trustbuster

are technically referred to as my people’s Cryptonite! (I know I spelled Cryptonite “incorrectly,” but I’m pretty sure one of these ladies was the death of a pater, padre, or padrino.) Yes, Gunther, you’ve never seen me out with a full-bodied, porn-style chick. THIS IS MY WHOLE POINT! Although I’ve dated a variety of women, I fall into the habit of getting seriously involved with a specific physical type: skinny, pointy faced brunette girls with interesting eyes and enough round parts to pump my mojo. These females inevitably (and often obviously) - no, strike that. Obviously. Always obviously these girls present past histories of physical/emotional abuse and I tend to scoop them up like baby birds and love them and so we do it for awhile but they were never really that into a sexual relationship to start so unless I deliver some ultimate cool act they are never that into it and everything gets pretty boring because I’ve been making love to them for a long ass time without a corresponding complimentary energy issue…from their parts. You know. Vaginas and whatnot. Their brains. I don’t know. I guess you’re right. My brain is probably pretty tied into my nutsack. Uh…chakras and shit? Spinal column?

Have you seen Heat Vision and Jack? It’s fricking amazing. Heard about it fo’ evah but finally sat and watched. What a joyous experience- Jack Black… Owen Wilson… Ron Silver… Marcia Brady… Ben Stiller is married to her, right? That dude always wins.

Back to the important stuff, the girl I picked up on last night…she was sitting next to the roomie, Mr. Kyng, well, next to the girl who he was sitting next to, a comedienne with a show at the Comedy Store Friday the 13th at 8 (good luck, girl). This is all at the Swingers Hollywood counter. I had apple pie. It was passable. We talk with the chicks for about half the meal, an eighth with the cute could-be hapa Zooey Deschanel waitress. Kyng, of course, knows her and pumps her for the name of a drummer to play in Kyng’s buddy’s band. Sitting over a partial plate of pasta (the vegetables alone) with his new beekeeping manual, Kyng chats them easily as I barely get in over his shoulder. Both dress like they went to a classy NYC nightclub in 1984. I decide to ask the girl out, she fits perfectly into my type, and when I tell Kyng he’s enthused “because she doesn’t know how hot she is.” We learn the scoops as they are served about 6 plates of food between them. Steamed vegetables and something, plate of mashed potatoes, fries and a veggie joe maybe. Red Velvet cupcake. Both effort towards burgeoning Entertainment Professional status. They attended a function to promote the girl I’m catching by the eye with the old smirk tractor beam. Yes. Tired moves continue to work. As they leave I stand, grab the girl’s hand, and ask her to coffee. You know, non-committal is classy. She gave me the digits.

So when I googled her later some of those semi-obvious psychologically based gestures…you know, the ones that made her seem like she doesn’t know how hot she is, ie. insecurity. The girl has a history of child abuse that made national news, I guess. Yeah, as a student of humanity I knew already…and ignored it, or worse, was attracted by it. All the subconscious gestures we make are a window into our true psychologies (this is what makes Jack Black so great, even a sort of genius, I mean, he does madly entertaining subconscious gestures). Especially illustrative are gestures we make when we are under some sort of stress, even the minute stress of being ogled. And this girl was too nervous to hold eye contact, and then was taking off and putting on her jacket in this way that more about disrobing for attention, you know? Lack of confidence and desire for attention usually end up in your aforementioned emotional baggage situation. So I called her and asked her on a real date: Italian dinner. Classic Dorkus Malorkus move, right?

I didn’t bring up my research over the meal. My lamb risotto was delightful, and reconfirmed my ability to eat anything on the Summer Pilgrimage after my pescatarian period. Great. She got a salad, and just a caprese salad, which is like nothing, and didn’t finish it. I was encouraged by her size-able meal on the first meeting, and now I’m a little worried. Maybe she doesn’t like things in her mouth, right? Again she was pulling the jacket moves. Though we were sitting by the door, the moves seemed to correspond with certain emotional beats of the conversation. The conversation was interesting, primarily because it traversed a strange range of topics strung together with my tangential attempts to flow around yet through my preoccupations with her personal history. I wanted to gauge how she dealt with her problem without letting her know I knew about it. This was eased by her hobby: MMA kickboxing. It allows for a lot of access to adjacent emotional areas. More history displays…(justifiable?) physical clashes with exs…college drug habits…you know…histories of abuse arc with similar stories in our country. The good thing about this whole business: I matured to the point where hearing these tales depressed my sexual interest while still allowing me to be emotionally available. I’d use to just want to save and love a woman with that past. I guess that’s progress. She almost didn’t tell me about the drug stuff because she didn’t want me to know yet. I never told her about my research. Maybe she figures everybody knows, which is why she puts it on her website bio…weird…
When I recounted this story last night over big glasses of bohemian beer, 160 proof Stroh, and blondes in dirndls, Ladybird (my friend and Lyonson’s special friend) thought it was the universe helping my out, reaffirming what I’m intuiting so I could stay where I need to be: distant. She also said maybe the reason I keep meeting these damaged women is because they do need love and friendship and that I’m good at giving those things, so I should. I restated my point that it may be associated with the physical type, pointy faced brunettes, and that eventuality scared me more than anything, because I hate judging people by their looks even though I do it all the time and think it has some limited validities. Lyonson asked me if I had any women in my life who looked like that who I felt strongly about. I said my mom kind of, but definitely my Aunt Theresa who was more like my Grandmother than any other woman in my life. It’s also a very Italian kind of look, which I guess is the genetic tribalistic instincts. We then got into a convo about how everybody watches porno, crazy since Kyng’s been talking about that all week, and how we should go into the biz. While smoking cigarettes with another friend, he pointed out a curvy blonde who was chatting with a shaved head dude in a fox racing shirt. The friend said she was hot, and I said that’s the kind of girl I like to look at in porn, so why don’t I try giving that type a shot in real life?

And yes, I mean from my goo factory. I directed my fairer female slaves to collect my man salve during my morning hand shower and perfect it into a cologne. Why do I attract women with the smell of Salvatore Ferragamo when I should use Eau du My Jizz.

Kudos and Salutations,

Senator Dorkus Malorkus of the Peloponnese

PS- If Kyng and I go into the porno business we’ll meet all those porn chicks. That’s opportunity you can take to the sperm bank.

    First of all, I never implied that these buxom beauties were dating material of any kind.  They are to be used…from a distance.  Separated by wires and cabling.  Secondly, I have never known you to go after a girl who looks anything like the aforementioned ladies.  It’s usually a brown-haired, pointy-faced, I was a troubled child but am getting over it (just wait until the third or fourth month of our relationship when my emotional dam breaks and I blame you for all my problems) kind of a gal.  Also, unlike a lot of people, your nuts are way too closely connected you your brain.  So, any lady who drives your nuts nuts is going to drive you nuts because you are a nut, a good nut.  If you could just figure out how to use your cum as a buffer zone.  If she likes it, keep her around.  If she gets a little weirded out, get rid of her.  It is your essence remember, so sauce her good.  Also, a great conversation has nothing to do with chemistry.  You are going to have to rely on sex and body fluids when there is nothing left to talk about.

–Gunther Carlsbad

Yeah, buddy. I’m so glad MySpace still allows the bullshit porn ads! Big bodied blondes…my nuts want one, but somehow my ego says no no. Instinct, ego, who agreed to this whack system? But seriously, Gunther, I’ve been really distraught about this. Is attaining a girl with a specific look the way I should focus my dating strategery? Ought I focus on how I want her to act…be? Often I think I’ll never find a psychologically compatible lady, so I may as well find one that drives my nuts nuts.

Also, dear reader, you know you love thetrustbuster.com even though it often appears we are just running a smut-drenched Nation. Uh…yeah. and it’s AWE-some. You burn for us, baby…because we douse you with hot chicks and laughs and then ignite you with info. Love us. With your money. Please.

by Joel Woodman

*The following text was adapted from my upcoming book, The Paradox of Grace.
* All the images below were taken at the AUSA Defense Expo 2007.

In the United States today, the residual impact of the Cold War has created several notable manifestations, most significant among them has been the formation and the perpetuation of what Dwight D. Eisenhower called the “Military Industrial Complex”. In his farewell address in 1961, President Eisenhower contended, with an amazing sense of prophetic wisdom, “That our military organization today bears little relation to that known by any of my predecessors in peacetime, or indeed by the fighting men of World War II or Korea.” Eisenhower extended his argument by saying,”

“Until the latest of our world conflicts, the United States had no armaments industry. American makers of plowshares could, with time and as required, make swords as well. But now we can no longer risk emergency improvisation of national defense; we have been compelled to create a permanent armaments industry of vast proportions. Added to this, three and a half million men and women are directly engaged in the defense establishment. We annually spend on military security more than the net income of all United States corporations. This conjunction of an immense military establishment and a large arms industry is new in the American experience… We recognize the imperative need for this development. Yet we must not fail to comprehend its grave implications.

In the councils of government, we must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the military-industrial complex. The potential for the disastrous rise of misplaced power exists and will persist… We must never let the weight of this combination endanger our liberties or democratic processes. We should take nothing for granted. Only an alert and knowledgeable citizenry can compel the proper meshing of the huge industrial and military machinery of defense with our peaceful methods and goals, so that security and liberty may prosper together.”(1)

Above all, Eisenhower proposed a balance between liberty and security, between practical military necessity and the establishment of global garrisons and the formation of a massive armaments industry to support that structure. But by the start of the twenty-first century, Eisenhower’s strident warning has been largely ignored, and the US is now spending more on defense than the next fifty countries combined, and adjusted for inflation, the Pentagon’s budget is “12 percent larger than the average defense budget of the Cold War era.”(2) U.S. military bases can be found on every continent, with 969 domestic installations and more than 725 foreign bases in 38 countries.3 In 2005, U.S. military personnel both domestically and worldwide totaled 1,840,062, plus an additional 473,306 Defense Department civil service employees and 203,328 local hires. According to the Pentagon, U.S. overseas bases encompassed more than 687,347 acres and 29,819,492 acres worldwide.(4)

Since the end of WWII, the United States has evolved into a highly militaristic nation, ultimately spawning and accepting the presence of a perpetual “national security state”. During his farewell address, Eisenhower charged the task to, “statesmanship to mold, to balance, and to integrate these and other forces, new and old, within the principles of our democratic system – ever aiming toward the supreme goals of our free society.” But over time the external threat of communism and the internal preservation of the defense apparatus became incredibly immense and influential, and as author William Greider has pointed out, “At every level of society, institutions of every kind accepted and adapted to the imperatives of the Cold War struggle.”(5) That struggle and the extreme level of complicity, has over time created what has been dubbed the “Iron Triangle”, a deep- rooted relationship between the US congress, the defense industry and the military leadership, which make up the “three power centers that interact to reinforce their mutual interests: jobs, contracts, and new weaponry.”(6)

In recent years, the so-called Iron Triangle has evolved into a “revolving door” of politicians and military personnel coming and going through various facets of the defense industry. The most apt example of this perfectly legal collusion can be illustrated by the career of the Vice President of the United States, Dick Cheney. Following Cheney’s departure as Secretary of Defense in 1993, he quickly moved into the private sector and became the CEO of Halliburton. By the end of Cheney’s five-year tenure at Halliburton, the company advanced from seventy-third to eighteenth on the Pentagon’s top list of government contractors. Halliburton’s subsidiary Kellogg Brown & Root (KBR) doubled its government contracts from $1.2 Billion to 2.3 Billion.(7) Cheney increased his personal net worth to over $50 million, and then strolled back into government as a public servant, assuming the role of Vice President.(8)

During the Cold War, the role of the defense contractor was primarily one of developing an abundance of hi-tech weaponry to counter the threat of the Soviet arsenal. Although the development of new and expensive weapons still exists, the role of the defense contractor today simply does not resemble that of the past. Since the end of the first Gulf War, the US government has begun to support the presence of “defense services” suppliers, and private “for hire” mercenary and “diplomatic security” groups. As of 2007, there were “more than 630 war contracting companies working in Iraq for the United States”. During the 1991 Gulf War, the ratio of troops to private contractors was about 60 to 1. By 2007, the troop level of coalition forces in Iraq was outnumbered by the almost 200,000 private “contractors” working in the country.(9)

The contemporary methods of waging war in the United States are not what they once were, and the thought that wars are fought to “ostensibly improve the lives of citizens”, and the concept that during a war the “government should be the sole dispenser of funds, and the military should remain the sole recipient”, is simply not the case.(10) Much like the transformation of the American citizen-soldier, the influence of private security and military service companies drastically redefines the militaristic image traditionally espoused by the United States. It illustrates the sea change in military policy and highlights the inherent contradiction between the benign use of “free market dynamics”, and the more repugnant act of “war profiteering”.(11)

After the fall of the Soviet Union, the United States could have drastically reduced its military budget, vacated the American bases in places like Korea and Italy, and cajoled the influence of the “Iron Triangle” and its “revolving door”. Instead the United States, “is doing everything in its considerable powers to perpetuate Cold War structures, even without the Cold War’s justification… They have become striking evidence, for those who care to look, of an imperial project that the Cold War obscured.”(12) In this respect, the United States’ invasion of Iraq in 2003 was merely the logical outgrowth of previous foreign policy decisions, which in turn acted as the necessary catalyst to reinvigorate and revitalize the defense apparatus for the next century.

For most Americans, the relationship with the “Military Industrial Complex appears distant, or in most cases completely unacknowledged as a central component of the American way of life. Most of us are completely ignorant to the inner workings of this elite and salient facet of American society, and most often we participate as bystanders casually observing the chaos that the business of war mandates all over the globe. The immense scope and nature of its ilk makes the task of viewing the “Military Industrial Complex” in action very difficult to say the least; but through the course of researching my upcoming book, The Paradox of Grace, I was able to attend one of the largest defense industry conventions accessible to the public.

The Association of the United States Army (AUSA), hosts an annual meeting & exposition to showcase above all, “The Strength of the Nation”. With an array of lectures, demonstrations and more than 420 exhibitors encompassing all three halls of the Washington Convention Center, a space roughly the width of 8 football fields, the AUSA expo is the world’s largest land power forum. The overwhelming size of the event only serves to reinforce its focus of “The Strength of the Nation”, which is branded throughout the space, along the walls, hanging from the ceiling, and acting as the screen saver at the multiple email kiosks throughout the hall. The floor of the convention center is much like that of a casino, with tantalizing bells and whistles demanding your immediate attention. Your senses are overloaded by the abundance of LCD screens, constant chatter, and the assortment of technological advancements in weaponry. It becomes clear almost immediately how the United States can spend more on defense, than most of the world combined.

From this perspective, the defense industry appears to be like any other, in the sense that it is merely working to preserve its existence and to turn a profit. The general nature of the convention can be characterized by the same criteria as a car show, the principle difference being that this particular industry thrives on the destruction of others. Men and women bear nametags and smiles, extending hands and exuding confidence in hopes of the next connection. But the pleasantry and familiarity present at the convention is perhaps its most disturbing characteristic, and you get the impression that what everyone is selling is perhaps the last thing on their mind. There are of course very few images of actual war and the destruction that the enormous collection of new technology and arms could ultimately illicit. The general presentation at the convention is pristine, unsoiled, and lacks what can be best described as the human element.

In the end, the business of war making is not so dissimilar from that of any other business enterprise. On its face, the defense industry suffers from greed, vanity, and an expected arrogance that comes with any industry in demand. In 2006, The Institute for Policy Studies calculated that the top 34 CEOs in the defense industry have earned a combined billion dollars since 9/11(13), and the so- called “War on Terror” and the subsequent occupation of Iraq, is expected to cost over $3 Trillion (14). So as I ascended up the escalator on the last day of the convention, I was not surprised to hear in the background, the sound of a vocal group dressed in desert fatigues, overcome with glee and chanting, “there’s no time for losers… because we are the champions…of the world”.

Citations:

1. Eisenhower Fair Well Address. January 17, 1961. Entire address can be heard at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5pWAGgLSCSQ&feature=related
2. Andrew Bacevich. The New American Militarism. p.17
3, 12. Chalmers Johnson. The Sorrows of Empire. p. 154, p.5
4. Chalmers Johnson. 737 U.S. Military Bases = Global Empire. Excerpt from “Nemesis: The Last Days of the American Republic. Taken from Alternet.com. http://www.alternet.org/story/47998/
5, 6. William Greider. Fortress America. Intro- p. 56
7, 10, 11. Dan Briody. The Halliburton Agenda. p.211, 183- 184
8. Forbes.com staff. History’s Highest-Priced Ticket. Forbes Magazine. 07.06.04. http://www.forbes.com/compensation/2004/07/06/cx_0706presidents.html)
9. Jeremy Scahill .The Mercenary Revolution. August 15, 2007. http://www.zmag.org/znet/viewArticle/14711
13. Robert Scheer. Cashing In on Terror. Oct 30, 2007.. http://www.thenation.com/doc/20071112/truthdig
14. Joseph Stiglitz and Linda Bilmes. The Three Trillion Dollar War. The Times. February 23,2008. http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/columnists/guest_contributors/article3419840.ece.

    I woke up this morning feeling a lot of pressure in my forehead and behind my eyes and nose, you know, sinus pressure.  So, I went to blow my nose and some nasty green and yellow snot came out.  Then I began to cough and wouldn’t you know it, more green and yellow snot, or phlegm ans it is sometimes known.  At least my body is trying to expel some of this shit.

–Gunther Carlsbad

    Everyone is going to die.  So, say the things that need to be said and do the things that need to be done because we are all on the way out.  I just pray to God we get to go somewhere better than this bullshit.

–Gunther Carlsbad

I know everybody is freaked about Global Warming or Climate Change.  The world will warm and many areas will run out of water and become deserts as the sea levels gradually rise.  But hold on.  We aren’t focusing on the bigger issue here.  If the ice caps melt that means ocean currents will slow to a crawl.  When that happens, warm water from the equator ceases to mix with cold water from the poles.  You see, the Earth has been through warming cycles before.  When the ocean currents slow down just enough, old Mother Earth knows it’s time to put on the deep freeze.  Ice ages don’t take very long to swing into full force.  If you thought a lot of people were going to die when the temperature rises, just wait until it starts to plummet.  Then we’ll see who’s tough.  My guess is the Inuit.  Everyone else is fucked.

–Gunther Carlsbad

    You know when you meet someone and they ask you what you do for a living and you exaggerate or get embarrassed and lie about how you spend your time?  You know when you hear a funny story and you want to pass the story on to friends but you change the details to make it sound like you were heavily involved in the story even though you weren’t, just to get bigger reaction?  Well, if you do it then everybody else must as well.  So, every time you hear a story or listen to someone talk about how great they’re doing, you need to assume they aren’t telling the whole truth.  Like when someone tells you you’re talented or smart, they probably don’t really think so, they’re just trying to spare your feelings.  If anybody claims to be an honest person you should immediately think, “What are they hiding?”  Everyone is lying to you, from the President to your mother.  You should be very paranoid.  They are all out to get you.

–Gunther Carlsbad

Man, I wish I had a holodeck.  You could do anything…anything.  You could fuck anything…anything.  For instance, you could make a group of cat-women who are in danger of dying if they don’t get some serious sex…now.  You could write a program where a guy named Steve looks at you wrong, so you shoot him in the face.  Fuck World of Warcraft.  On the holodeck, you could do basically the same thing but you would be swinging the sword.  All those fatties could finally get some exercise.   On the holodeck, I could be a drone bee.  My only purpose in life would be to pound the shit of the Queen to make some more worker bees.  Then I would die.  Not really, of course.  I could buzz back the next day and give that queen a righteous hummer…you know, because I buzz like a bee.  If you don’t like Star Trek then you are an unimaginative idiot.

–Gunther Carlsbad

Shape up you fucking pansies!  You look like a bunch of skirts out there!  You think this is supposed to be easy?  Life is hard and full of pain!  The sooner you realize it the better!  So grow some nuts and then grow some hair on those nuts!  You want everything to be handed to you?  You don’t want to have to work for anything?  Well, take off the “Joe Cool” sunglasses and stop playing your fucking no-friendo’s and grow up!

–Gunther Carlsbad